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About a month later since my last blog and I still did not get my life..

I think I truly have only about 20% of my sanity left. What's going on with me is , I am still in the horrible funk that I have been in for quite some time . The person I love basically told me he is going to do what he want , with who he wants. Don't want me to go nor does he want me to stay and wait around . Right now he isn't worried about feelings , or relations . He is single and wants to do whatever unfortunately I may not be what he wants to do all the time  . That hurts because for going on two years I have had to realize that his heart isn't fully with me . Yes , some times I get him , can go out  , and we see each other.. etc. but I truly love this man so to get a "sometimes" situation kills me . I guess it would kill ANYONE to know the person they love is with or in love with someone else. I was so worried about the same negativity for so long that I lost myself . When someone tells you they love you but is publicly with someone else you kind of lose your mind if you aren't careful.

I have to find a way to recoop , I'm not so sure how to do that though to be honest.  All I know is , I fell in love with someone who showed me difference , but ended up causing more pain than anyone else I have ever dealt with . He isn't a bad guy I just wish we either never met or we never took it off of a friend level because now I am deep in with all of these feelings and I'm kind of alone with it all. I do know he has feelings for me because of how he is with me but I want him to have those feelings solely with me . I guess that is too much to ask him for . I want his whole heart not just a little bit.

Minus him , everything is going wrong in my life . STILL no job , can't really talk to anyone (Although I got reconnected with someone and surprisingly we relate on a lot of things so that feels pretty good ) , my family still sucks ass ... LIFE REEKS .