Positions (previously typed)

Okay so lately I have been noticing girls either being extra "I am who he comes to at night " or being "I'm who he REALLY wants , look at us on these sites ..." Being both of those girls at one point in life or another  I will say both "positions" are lame.

I feel like in a relationship it should be TWO people who care and love each other. It should never come to the point where a person is okay with being "the main" or "the side" ... I most definitely want to be the ONLY . The situation I am in is pretty ass but furthermore I do understand relationships . People have this messed up image of me in their head and honestly I can see what Alicia Keys sort of went through ... I won't get into all of that though . Just can't do it .

I think people need to focus on their relationships rather than focusing on these sites .  Just because a man takes a picture with you and post it means absolutely nothing in this day and age for a couple reasons.

• To some people you are just advertising and what do most people do with things on display? ... they purchase it . So in this case , they find a way to get what they want .
• Being in a picture means nothing to the next person if they don't see it , or care to see it. There is such thing as going by what the person is presenting you . Why would I give ANY fucks about a picture I don't see if the person is showing me something else? 

There are more reasons but I really don't think people understand the concept of .. ohhhh let me figure out my relationship with this person .. enjoy , get to know , explore and grow with instead of .. oh shit let me post a picture or talk about "him" . If people was to focus on what is in front of them rather than what they can show off to people . The world in general will be a much better place.

Now on the flipside ... I do feel like it is weak of the person like "but he really wants me " ...Uh .  I feel like in this case (because I have been here ) it is best for the person saying this to get themselves together for THEMSELVES. People , including myself, tend to lay themselves out on the table for the next person . Wrapping your whole life around anything or especially another human can literally be deadly because stress kills. If no one else knows about this , I do. To keep your own sanity I feel it may be best to find your own self worth because this person can make you feel amazing , conversation great , sex , great ...but there has to be a line that is drawn eventually . It is almost up to you to draw it . 

All in all .. what I'm saying is . In some cases I have learned that sharing is NOT caring .

For instance .. I feel like I am all of the females on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta . I will make another post why but in this specific one I will talk about Joseline and Mimi with Steebie J.

Okay so I watched LLHATL1 last year but not the first few episodes . I don't know how Joseline met Steebie but I do know that basically both girls were with him . Joseline didn't go because what Stevie was showing her did not match him having a girlfriend . So let's say she didn't know about Mimi .. she didn't have a reason to if Stevie was doing what he needed to do . Mimi was around , hearing rumors I believed.. He was also showing her something she either liked or was comfortable with and they had a daughter. When it all came to light , neither left why ? because they both knew what STEVIE was showing them and that's what they both fell for. He knew how and what to say to both . Pictures , pregnancy , the reunion special .. anything . It didn't matter. Neither wanted to go because of what they felt . I do believe like myself .. it is pretty dumb. I also feel like if Stevie is so in love one place ,but so in love another place as well it will cause a world full of unnecessary problems.

Story of my life though.

...

About a month later since my last blog and I still did not get my life..

I think I truly have only about 20% of my sanity left. What's going on with me is , I am still in the horrible funk that I have been in for quite some time . The person I love basically told me he is going to do what he want , with who he wants. Don't want me to go nor does he want me to stay and wait around . Right now he isn't worried about feelings , or relations . He is single and wants to do whatever unfortunately I may not be what he wants to do all the time  . That hurts because for going on two years I have had to realize that his heart isn't fully with me . Yes , some times I get him , can go out  , and we see each other.. etc. but I truly love this man so to get a "sometimes" situation kills me . I guess it would kill ANYONE to know the person they love is with or in love with someone else. I was so worried about the same negativity for so long that I lost myself . When someone tells you they love you but is publicly with someone else you kind of lose your mind if you aren't careful.

I have to find a way to recoop , I'm not so sure how to do that though to be honest.  All I know is , I fell in love with someone who showed me difference , but ended up causing more pain than anyone else I have ever dealt with . He isn't a bad guy I just wish we either never met or we never took it off of a friend level because now I am deep in with all of these feelings and I'm kind of alone with it all. I do know he has feelings for me because of how he is with me but I want him to have those feelings solely with me . I guess that is too much to ask him for . I want his whole heart not just a little bit.

Minus him , everything is going wrong in my life . STILL no job , can't really talk to anyone (Although I got reconnected with someone and surprisingly we relate on a lot of things so that feels pretty good ) , my family still sucks ass ... LIFE REEKS .